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The Manic Scott

The Manic Scott

By Scott Bennett

It all begins with a lucid dream I had…I was walking up to my high school’s football field as all of the school stood in the bleachers waiting for me but I had come up from behind to where the cheerleaders and dance team were. I remember one girl yelling, “Hey Scott!” from the bleachers and then another girl saying, “Look, smile!” A third girl had run up to me to take a picture of me with her camera. Before she did, I looked to my left and saw my girlfriend and she said hi to me very excitedly and my body filled with warm joy and excitement. It was a rush. Quickly I looked back to the camera and smiled. The flash blinded me for an instant and within that half a second I had realized that I was in fact dreaming and then when I looked back to my girlfriend I realized she was actually now my ex-girlfriend because I was now aware that it was just a dream. A dark wave of depression swarmed my insides. Once lucid I realized she had just broken up with me a few days before. At that moment I wished to die. And I did. My body, my soul started to fall down to the grass but fell through to an abyss of brief darkness to which I then woke up to my body feeling dead as I was sprawled out on my basement couch. This dream, I believe, is what induced my month-long episode of mania.

The week before this dream I had been suffering greatly from depression. I had been very sick for almost a month with bronchitis and congestion. I eventually tested positive for mononucleosis after a painful trip to the ER resulted in a blood test. I had been in excruciating pain for days because of a severe sore throat. The pain was unbearable. I couldn’t sleep or eat. The pain had been radiating into my jaw and my tongue. I was absolutely miserable. When I told my girlfriend that I had mono her response to me via text was “…” Dot, dot, dot. It didn’t make her too happy with me I guess. She broke up with me 3 days later. I loved her and could not get over her. This was the main reason for my depression. I was lonely and ill. Distraught, I was on the verge of losing my sanity. I did soon thereafter.

During this same week, my best friend of 12 years told me he was going to be sent away to a residential hospital for 4-5 months with contact only through letters. So, I lost my girlfriend, best friend, and physical health within one week. Mono of course made me miss school for a month so I also lost my chance for an advanced diploma. I was about to lose my future. These events caused me to lose everything I loved. I cherish all memories before this point because after these events I lost yet another item of mine, my mind.

I might as well have been on acid for 30 days. I was hallucinating. I was hearing voices. My writings appear to be schizophrenic. I spent all my money in one week, an entire grand wasted. I could see TV in 3-D, I thought I could walk on water, I thought I could time travel, and I thought I would be able to fly. Very late in my episode I truly believed that I was the second coming of Jesus Christ and that I was going to save the world. These are some of the things at the top of my head that I remember doing. I don’t remember much. This might sound unrealistic but I assure you I believed these things 100%. I was convinced I was a super being, a super hero. I spent days upon days trying to time travel. It felt like being in a movie. It was like being high on life. I was manic. I know it’s hard to believe, but all of these things became my passions. I felt destined to acquire these abilities and my explanation for everything was that I was stuck in a dream. I woke up that day believing I was still in a lucid dream. And for the next 30 days I lived like it.

The first thing I remember doing is taking 3-D glasses, a toilet paper roll, and my Ipod and getting euphoric off staring at the rainbow that appeared when I looked through the 3-D eye tube I had made. I then lay on the ground for several hours staring at the ceiling light as I tried different combinations of going cross-eyed. I got high off going cross-eyed over 100 times. Even today going cross-eyed still fascinates me. At one point I was in a parking garage and when I went cross-eyed, I hallucinated a yellowish grass field around my car with a blue sky. Another significant hallucination I had was when I watched TV. I would see everything in 3-D, even cartoons and pictures too on LCD screens. I remember going to the mall and being astounded that the weatherman was popping out of the screen as I walked by. One thing I tried to do many times was making water appear on my glasses using my eyes. I would also try to bend light and melt water bottles. I spent a lot of my time on my deck just staring into the sun and smoking cigarettes. I got very addicted to cigarettes during this time, a pack day and now I can’t quit.

One day I went to school during my manic episode and I ended up writing a 25 page hand-written essay on why one equals zero, 1=0. I called this the equation of faith. I believed that numbers were all limits and that language was not capable of ever representing the concept of infinity properly. To me infinity is a belief, not a number. I believed that I had broken a barrier into the spiritual realm by proving 1=0. This was another explanation I gave to myself for why I was feeling these new feelings. I believed that I had crossed over.

To be mentally insane temporarily and then going back to normal is called the slip back into reality. This occurred when my psychologist and psychiatrist convinced me that I was not in a dream. I didn’t believe them for a while until one day it hit me. I then became depressed again for a week or so, but then back to hypomanic. This is when I was diagnosed bipolar. Within a year I had been diagnosed with anxiety disorders like panic disorder and OCD and then I was diagnosed ADHD. I am currently on 6 different prescribed medications yet I still have minor panic attacks every day and I struggle with ADHD constantly.

Each medication I’ve tried or am on currently has been a drug experience for me. Zoloft was the first prescribed medication given to me for my anxiety problems. It took 2 weeks to kick in but I remember being at work when I felt a buzzing feel for no apparent reason. I felt it again the next day and that’s when I realized that I also felt more confident and relaxed. I became high on life for weeks following because of my new found level of happiness from the Zoloft. As I built a tolerance for it and got used to it my prescription went from 20 mg to 50 mg to 100 mg.  At that amount the drug started to have negative effects on me. I had mild to severe night sweats almost every night for 1-2 months. I also acquired anorexia nervosa which led to my losing 15 pounds and I puked in my backyard almost every night. I was skinny and unhealthy looking. After my doctors put me down to 75 mg of Zoloft I started to reverse the damage. I never gained the weight back because at that that time I was diagnosed with ADHD and was put on adderall. I was having major problems with sitting still for a long time. I was squirming all the time in my chair and everyone that’s had a class with me knows I bounce my legs during class from start to finish. My problem with my legs is now possibly a neurological movement disorder. By some it’s simply called “sewing machine legs.” So, they put me on 20 mg of adderall which later became 30 mg. I noticed the buzz the first days I tried it. It caused me to do my AP English homework for the first time in months and I would actually do my Spanish homework on adderall. Another medication I was on at that time is called amitriptyline. This medicine simply helped my physical condition. I had been diagnosed IBS, irritable bowl syndrome, and hyperhydrosis, excessive sweating, due to anxiety. This medicine helped in combination with Zoloft greatly. These are the prescriptions I had before I got mono.

During my manic episode I was thoroughly convinced that I was going to win the lottery. At one point I decided that my wishes would come true after sleep. That’s the only reason why I slept except one time I stayed up for 72 hours. One day I woke up convinced I would finally win a certain lottery ticket for $2,500. I told my parents I was walking to the gas station. With me I brought my ipod, cigarettes, lighter, my cell, and my friend Greg’s cell phone because he had left it in my car before he was sent away. It was a clear sunny day and as I walked towards the gas station I said to myself “Let’s go on an adventure.”  I walked down Fairfax County parkway and as I went I thought I was seeing clues, signs. I followed the clues and eventually I thought that if I stared at the sun and rotated, I could control time. I also thought that I was a “shock” and that I could charge Greg’s dead phone’s battery. This is when my first auditory hallucination occurred that I remember. I called Greg’s voicemail and the voicemail lady started to talk to me, which is impossible. This happened again with my own voicemail later that day because I thought she was telling me how to time travel. Continuing on the journey I walked to an underpass tunnel where I tried to levitate, walk on water, and crawl into another dimension. Doing these things and believing that I had achieved them led me to believe that I would eventually become a superhero. That’s how crazy I was. Even though during this period I told myself that I was crazy, I still was completely oblivious to how crazy I really was.

Time travel is not possible today, but while I was manic I truly believed that I was capable of it. I thought I needed time travel tools to do it. My tools were noise cancellation headphones, a non-working watch, 2 bracelets, an ipod, a timer, a bell, and a color-changing clock. I would go into my basement bathroom with these items, completely naked with sharpie drawn all over my body and try to time travel. I would shut off the lights and then turn on the fan and then I would set the timer to a specific number and then walk out the door hoping the world was frozen in time. I tried this repeatedly with my other time traveling methods. My other method was to change the time on my computer to the time of my choosing which would then change the world’s time. I repeatedly tried to stop time with this too and because I believed my computer’s clock was almighty, I accidentally kept my computer’s date to a day behind which left my memory of dates entirely disoriented. This is the reason why I forgot my Dad’s birthday on March 3rd, a month after I first entered my manic episode, because I thought it was March 2nd even though I had set my clock to one day behind an entire month prior to this. My actions affected my memory.

On the computer I would see my music Myspace for “Safe Bet”  glow and because my nickname in the band was “The Preacher” I thought it was fate that I seemed to be having some type of religious experience. That’s how it felt. I came to the conclusion that all humans are the sons or daughters of God and that we all possess potential capabilities that are limited due to our inhibitions. I now doubt all beliefs I have; I question the reality of it all after having this episode.

During my episode, my inhibitions were released and I experienced natural intense euphoria. It was like being high all day everyday. I was in a good mood, I was energetic, and I was happy. This was unlike me considering this began only 1 week after a break up that left me intensely depressed. I had become confident, I felt completely over my ex-girlfriend. I didn’t know why I felt so good or why I was seeing TV in 3D.  I questioned it, but only to myself. It drove me to insanity, as I went through spirals of theories. Sometimes I knew I was acting strange but I didn’t care. I thought I was right. I thought I was Jesus.

To relate to someone with bipolar disorder, you have to have done some type of mind-altering drug. Imagine that bipolar disorder is like having an unwanted drug in your system. It intensifies emotions on both sides which can lead to manic episodes and depressive episodes but does bring out creativity. Bipolar disorder is known commonly but actual manic episodes are unexplained and remain a mystery to the general public. If you’re “normal” then you can be grateful and by normal I mean someone that doesn’t need daily medications. I am drugged up by 6 different medications for my mental illness. That’s how much it takes for me to feel almost normal. I’ve only been treated for under a year for my mental problems so I grew up in what I considered a cruel world. I constantly struggled with stabilizing my emotions my entire life, but I never knew what to do. I had to admit I had mental problems, and tell my parents to take me to a psychologist. This has helped me a lot and I have conquered many problems over the last year. But, the year’s worth of therapy didn’t prepare me for the manic episode and afterwards.

The slip into reality is when someone in a manic episode finally accepts that they had one. They go from feeling like Jesus to feeling like a dud. I got incredibly depressed because I was so disappointed in myself. I thought my dreams were going to come true. I thought I had special powers. I was a maniac.

Here is a quick bio that my Mom had to write for my appointment at the neurologist.

Scott was diagnosed with anxiety in the summer of 2008. Our primary care physician, Dr. Long, prescribed Zoloft, beginning with a low dose. Scott had some improvement. Scott had adverse reactions as higher doses were given including sweating. Scott still felt anxious and expressed feelings of going crazy and Dr. Long recommended Dr. Arons. When beginning psychiatric treatment with Dr. Arons in December of 2008, he was given a diagnosis of ADHD and Adderall was prescribed. In January 2009 Scott was diagnosed with mononucleosis. A few days later his girlfriend broke up with him and his close friend, Greg, went into Graydon Manor to treat depression and addiction. These experiences were traumatic. Scott then experienced manic and hypomanic episodes for about a 4 week period during February. Initially he was treated with Zyprexa. In March he was taken of Zyprexa and Abilify was introduced and then Lithium. During his manic episode Zoloft was discontinued. After the mania, Scott was prescribed again Zoloft starting in low doses and then increasing to the current 75 mg daily dose. Zoloft was reintroduced about the end of March. He is currently not manic or hypomanic. As his mother and observer of his day to day activities, I think he is still suffering from depression. He sleeps frequently during the day. He is o a reduced school day schedule and is taking 2 high school classes in order to graduate. It is difficult for him to focus on activities (except playing music, his passion). Focusing on school activities is very difficult. Reading a literary novel which holds no interest, impossible. He can no longer even enjoy the pastime of watching TV and sleeps instead. Attendance is sporadic at school for various health reasons, tired, not feeling well, nauseous, etc.

Part 2: 1=0

Before writing Part 2, I showed Part 1 around to classmates, friends, and family. I also went to 2 of the main bipolar support websites and posted my story and got comments and responses. Everyone complimented me on these writings and I was very happy to hear that but I feel the need to explore my thoughts on more of my manic episode, I mean… it was 30 days. I’ll try to remember as much as I possibly can. I went back and gathered my crazy writings from my episode and I found some disturbing ones. In a random notebook I found on a random page the words

“I, Scott Andrew Bennett, know how I died because I killed myself with my mind. Now that I know 2 eyes = 1. I am Everything Where. Um, Circles and Squares. iTunes=Music Music=IAMMUSIC.”

I don’t know what I was thinking.

If you think that’s weird then this next paragraph will be VERY weird. Its my summary of why 1=0 that I typed up during my manic episode.

“English is just a sub-circle of language and so is math So, I can literally communicate logical to you to so that you believe faith is a circle, nonlinear. Logic is linear therefore it can be traveled along the circle of faith. Your faith is a value.  Meanings through place holding values can be represented by x. If x=1, which “1” is a finite value (1 represents the word “finite”), then if it were to be proven that x=0 then everything would have an infinite value. You need to loosen your grasp loose on your own human's potential concept of what an exact value really is and what infinity really is. If you think of everything as a circle, then you can substitute the meaning of infinity into logic in English by efficient communication. I tell you now that the equation of faith is 1=0. But think of the "=" as the "?" and then simplify that once more to the dot of the question mark because a question is English for infinity. An answer is simply another question. Therefore logic within English is solved and answers are concluded by thinking in circles, which is why the faith equation is “1=0” because 1 doesn’t equal zero to you. It didn't make sense to me either until I traveled around the circle of logic.  I know I reached the answer because I grasped the concept of infinity. Which is faith and faith is the translation of human evolving logic. It is a math.”

This brings me to a huge point in my manic episode. When I felt that I had discovered that 1=0, that’s when my universe was shattered and I started to do all the crazy things. That’s when I knew something was out of the ordinary with this feeling I had been having for the past few days. That’s when I realized something was VERY different. I didn’t know it. But I was a full blown maniac. I had lost it. But, at the time, I thought I had won it! I thought that 1 did equal 0 and I thought that I had crossed over to the spiritual realm. That’s what led to me believing that I would soon have special powers for example, I tried to walk by moonlight 3 miles on the side of west ox road and turn into a dog by manipulating my shadow with my thoughts.

This is only a summary of the 25 page hand written 1=0 that I have in my journals. Remember, I had written 25 pages of hand written material in about 6-8 hours strait thinking that I had just proved 1=0 which I thought meant I had proved that I was infact dreaming still. At that point I said to myself, Scott, everything is making you feel good why are you still afraid? And I said, I don’t know. And then I said Scott, you don’t have to be afraid anymore.

This is what a manic episode feels like. Everyone thinks manic episodes are scary or dreadful. They are a blast. It’s like waking up one day and saying, I’m going to do whatever the hell I want to do today for 30 days. What people need to understand is just one word.

Inhibition, an inhibition is a feeling of fear or embarrassment that stops one from behaving naturally. Inhibition can also be defined as the process of stopping or retarding a chemical reaction.

When I said to myself, don’t be afraid anymore? I then realized that this was going to take time to lose my fears and by fears. I mean all fears. I was trying so hard to lose my fears that I wanted to bend gravity by flying. This is called releasing your inhibitions. Your body releases it’s inhibitions and you feel immense euphoria. Euphoria in my manic episode was something that I chased. I would solve things. I could make any 2 things an equation in my head and try to solve for them. I would come up with a reason for everything.

One day I woke up and said, “Am I still dreaming? I must be.” That day I went downstairs, chucked a portrait across the kitchen, and then proceeded to steal my Mom’s car and take it to Tommy’s house. His mom said, “Did you take your Mom’s car without her permission? I said confidently and boldly, “Yes.” She was stunned so she didn’t say anything more and I didn’t even get in trouble that day because my behavior was so strange that my parents didn’t know what was going on.

Only Bipolar people ever think that they are actually Jesus. It is actually common. But, I got to actually feel like Jesus. Wow! That felt amazing, let me tell you… I named my second album of Safe Bet, “The Second Coming” because I thought I was the second coming of Jesus. The reason why I believed that I was Jesus Christ was because one day on my Safe Bet Myspace it started to glow and shine and when I looked at it for some reason I thought that “The Preacher” (my nickname in the band) meant something religious. I thought I was then having a religious experience. So I then thought I was Jesus when I felt that I had successfully walked on water for 2 seconds. I figured I would have to learn. But, I never told anyone that I thought I was Jesus. It wasn’t until my friend Tommy Cook at the time said to me that he believed that I was Jesus Christ and that he was Saint Thomas. And the weird part is. He actually believed it. And so did about 6 people. Why? For about 2 weeks all of my friends had been puzzles by me making predictions. I would basically tell the future in weird ways. I’ve done things like guessing the first song on my Ipod shuffle infront of Tommy Cook, the song was 1976 by RJD2. Ill never forget that. One day, I told my friend Ziad the instance I saw him, hey dude you’ve been bored for about 2 weeks and just picked up an old hobby. His response? “Yeah dude, I;ve been bored so I picked up guitar again” Coincidence? That same day I was at my friends house Taylor Creighton and he was playing guitar and I said, you’ve been bored all week so you picked up guitar. And he was like yeah how did you know? I said a similar thing to Taylor Thomas the day before. I said, Taylor you’ve been so bored recently and so agitated and it stops you from playing guitar. I was right. This is one of the many bizarre things Taylor Thomas and I had happen during my manic episode. My other friend Martin Lee had witnessed what I had said to Ziad and had already been puzzled by me. There was a good deal of confusion and I had started it. I asked Ziad later what he thought about the incident, he said “It was pretty interesting. It didn’t really freak me out but it was fascinating. It was like, how did he just know that?”

One of my best friends, Tommy Cook, and I had a memorable day exactly 7 into my manic episode. He was the first friend I had seen in 7 days and I had just had 7 days of mania and was at the point I thought I was going to turn into a werewolf that night. I had all of my writings in a bag that ironically says Music=Life in it and a yellow notebook with a spiral drawn on it.

Tommy was the first one to see my writings. He saw this and many other things including my time travel tools. That day, I was wearing my 2 bracelets, non-working watch, and at that point I had a new off colored rainbow hat. It had special meaning to me because at one point I had connected my hat to a song called Sherbert Head by Boards of Canada. So, I thought it was special. I took him to subway bought him anything he wanted because I had just announced that we were not only going to win the lottery but that I could melt plastic with my eyes. I held my drivers license to the ceiling light and tried to focus my eyes so that a laser would form which I could then melt tiny holes. I tried and failed, but of course I thought I had succeeded.

Part 3: Tommy Cook’s Perspective

Mania is the most confusing phenomenon that has ever come into direct contact with my life.  When your best friend goes through something so surreal, it is bound to take you along for the ride.

On February 9th I encountered the manic Scott for my very first time.  I pulled up the driveway to see him standing outside of his garage, Coke in hand, with a bag full of paper and an assortment of random objects.  Bizarre, I thought.  What the hell is he getting into now?  When he got in the car, he asked me if he looked like a “time traveler.”  Strangely, he looked more like a character than usual.  A character from a movie, book… I don’t know. He was just a character.  He felt like a totally different person to me, even within ten seconds of speaking to him.  I don’t know why, but I felt like Scott had a sort of aura of enlightenment.  He looked as if he had discovered the greatest thing mankind would ever see.

Part 4: Taylor Thomas’ Perspective

Call it a manic episode, call it whatever you want but in my opinion the case of Scott Bennett was one of extreme perplexity. To fully understand how much this “episode” had affected Scott, one must go back and ask who Scott was beforehand. Before the episode Scott, from my perspective at least, was a laid back musician and friend. A few other friends and I would group at Scott’s house to jam out and mess around on different instruments, in some ways creating music. Scott was always the first one to suggest we all meet up and participate in such musical gatherings. We would do this twice maybe three times a week; we would talk about normal high school things such as girls, grades, parties etc. From what Scott had told me before there was some serious tension between he and his family but from what he told me I processed it as nothing out of the ordinary parent to troubled teen relationship. Until one day, Scott told me he was severely depressed and that he didn’t know why. To me it was no surprise, kids got like that all the time around Oakton. Yet the severity in which Scott felt was far different, I mean to say in the ways he described his pain was much more severe. However this was just foreshadowing to a much larger event.

In Universal theory and concept, everything has already happened, therefore we can see signs of an event about to happen before it actually has, and we are in the past of that event. However, when that event does happen it happens in a split second, the event effects everyone who has been inside or a part of the building up to that event, Those who have been in the event horizon longer, feel the effects longer, those who haven’t, feel the short term events or events they can wave off. People don’t know this but they see foreshadowing of events every single day. One building block that is slowly building up to a much bigger event that we all saw coming but at the same time didn’t at all, who knows maybe our existence is a building block to a bigger event. We see these everyday occurrences as just “coincidences” or minor mishaps little do we know they could very well lead to events much bigger. Yet I digress this paper is about my reaction to Scotts episode. To relate what I am saying, I saw this event coming. I was around every time there was a hint at it.

It all started when I was talking to a friend of a friend of a friend. We hadn’t chatted in a while and somehow our conversation leads to music, and music to Scott.

“Oh you play with Scott Bennett?!” The girl asked

Well one thing lead to another and before I knew it we were talking about (she was talking about) how cute he was. She had concluded our conversation by informing me that she would be very grateful if I were to put in a good word for her. So of course I did. I told Scott that next day about how this girl I knew had said he was really cute (I was hoping that maybe this would raise Scott’s confidence a little and not be so depressed) Scott reacted surprisingly and told me he had barely talked to her. At that point I just dropped it, I was never one to get involved in other peoples business and just let whatever was going to happen between Scott and this girl happen.

About a week had passed before I had heard the news of Scott and his new girlfriend. When I approached him next class we did the high school formality of a corny statement on “getting some” and then a high five. After that, I didn’t really talk to Scott all that much, to me at least he and his new girlfriend spent some large amount of time together, and honestly just coming out of a relationship myself I was rather  cynical about “love” and wished not to be a part of it.

Now one may be thinking what does this have to do with Scott’s manic breakdown, and my answer to that is EVERYTHING and NOTHING at all. The girl you see was the event. THAT was what set it all in motion therefore she was the most important thing in Scotts episode and the least at the very same time, an oxymoron yes but I hope I am illustrating my point properly. See, when Scott and this girl broke up it was just the tipping point for the poor kid.

Scott I’md me on the day they broke up.

Scott: She dumped me.

Me: aw damn man why?

Scott: I don’t know haha

Me: oh well whatever it’s just a girl

Scott: yeah…

That conversation right there I felt was normal, kid just got dumped of course he’s going to feel bad. The thing that Scott failed to mention to me was all of the shit that had happened to him leading up to that (or I had thought he did). A lot of it was obvious and I had just tried to help him and treated it as any normal high school issue, so many times Scott had told me he had family issues and was taking medicine, so many times Scott had told me he wished he could lift and play sports but couldn’t due to back problems, and still at this time to me it didn’t make much sense. Not quite yet. However after weeks and weeks of Scott not showing up to school I began to wonder. During our Second period class together I had asked long time friend Tommy Cook where Scott was.

“Scott is really really messed up man…” Tommy had informed me

“What do you mean by that?”

Tommy then informed me that Scott was diagnosed with mono right before the girl had broken up with him. I had immediately just thought “ouch broken heart” how very, very, wrong I truly was.

I had not been around Scott for 2 weeks after the break up and I figured he just needed to get out of the house, you know party, do high school things. So one night there was supposed to be this huge party going on over at a friend of mine and Scotts house, I thought “great this is my opportunity to get him out of the house and back socializing again” I called Scott up and he reluctantly said he would be there. However when I met Scott at the party he was acting extremely abnormal, much less talkative and generally uncomfortable. It wasn’t until about 12 at night when I noticed he had actually gone. Around that very same time Scott’s mother called me and asked where he was. I was at a loss for words and informed her that I had no clue as to Scott’s whereabouts. Apparently someone at the party had told me that Scott jumped the fence and ran off after about an hour within the parties start. The weekend after that I simply thought ok, that was too big for him to start off with, Scott must have had some kind of anxiety about the number of people who had attended, and I’ll do something small for him at my place. This night, was probably the most important night in the entire episode for me, this night Scott Bennett’s manic episode was at this point so powerful that it almost, just almost made manic as well. It started off as just a night at the apartment but later Scott wanted to hang out. We later found ourselves talking about stuff like Space, Music, etc. That was until Scott said something way out of the ordinary. He had told me that he could control what was going on and that he was a superhero and that if he believed so he would not and could not die. He seemed so sure about it that I almost had to believe him. He repeatedly told me over and over again that he was super human, that we all were but we just didn’t know it until he explained to me his ideology. I was sitting there trying to find logic in what he was saying but couldn’t, yet at the very same time a part of me really believed it. Now who knows, don’t we all want to be special? No one wants to be the average person that goes to school, works, comes home and has a normal life. If someone came up to you and told you that you were more than that, that you were something superhuman and altered your frame of mind, would you not believe it? The next day I woke up to find holes in the logic of what Scott was saying but decided to live by his explanation of life and how we lived it, just for a day. And just for that day, I seemed to really believe it. My “belief” strictly became a sudden interest in what was making Scott act in such a way. Every time I talked to him from that point on he had a new concept, a new idea added onto his original preface of color physics and an extreme mind over matter attitude. At one point in time Scott had told me that he could bend light and force color out of a TV screen by wearing 3-D glasses. This I didn’t necessarily believe but it absolutely fascinated me. Scott truly believed in what he was saying. If he thought it, it would be, and if we believed it, it would happen to us. There were many different forms of Scotts’ ideology but that seemed to be the overall concept “ I do it and believe it, good will happen to me, you see it and believe it the good will then happen to you.” now Scott had determined these things to be real by basing light color science to it and with further research I had found that Scott had been able to convince so many people and freak so many people out with predictions due to the fact that he was simply hypnotizing them without realizing it. Scott would freak people out with one particular trick, that was to see a white car, a red car, and a black car, more than any other car on the road, simply because he said so and that these colors had particular meanings. Ladies and gentlemen who read this, what Scott was doing, was a form of marketing. Of course you are going to see more white, red, or black cars if someone says looking right into your eyes, “you will see this more“. You’re brain can’t help it, it has been alerted to see the colors red white and black because of an interesting conversation, and whether you want to or not, the first thing you are going to think about as you look at a white red or black car is that time that person looked you in the eyes and said you will see this. And people didn’t realize it, Scott didn’t realize it, he thought he was an almighty being with the ability to predict human behavior by making them behave a certain every day way. He made what people perceived as everyday not so everyday. He was making people behave in a certain way by unknowingly hypnotizing them to believe so! He would use his confidence in what he was saying to hypnotize individuals into seeing events he wanted them to see! For a better example, Scott would say, I bet I know what you’re week was like, and a curious individual would ask ok what was it like? And Scott would say, with the utmost amount of confidence, it was boring wasn’t it? And for that second, in someone’s brain, since Scott said something so matter of fact, with so much confidence, they would ultimately believe it. They would remember all of the boring times they had in that week and way over analyze them without knowing. This was what people understood, everything else? They could not find meaning for but the fact that Scott had “predicted” their week they were questioning on whether it was real.

One day in about the middle of Scott’s episode Scott tried to tell me that 1 did in fact equal 0. He was so sure, so confident in his explanation that it made me think of possible, logical ways in which 1 did equal 0, he was so sure that there was no way he could be wrong that my brain had to find alternate meaning and so it did. He had told me that 1 was a limit, and that it was human nature to limit things and that if one could truly understand 1 equaling 0 they would break a spiritual realm and come to a completely new level of understanding. For me it was a want of being special and Scott’s convincing that made me think the logical way for 1 to equal 0 was that limits were actually man made and that 1 is as good as 0 due to the nature of man to make limits. Now later I realized how wrong I actually was and my interest in Scott’s behavior grew.

It was all very interesting until one day Scott started telling me that he was the second coming of Christ. Now this for me was far too much to even be interested in. I was one who studied physics and Universal concept (which are two very distinct and widely researched fields) and Scott’s new views and polarity on them, and now Scott had brought a religious aspect into his “color physics” and “creational” ideology that I had once found interesting. Suddenly with the religious part brought in I had lost all of my interest in Scott’s episode, and to me Scott’s once fascinating and astounding view on things just become a cult, with a preacher who could really make people believe. Not taking anything away from Scott though, he truly believed what he had believed and about a couple weeks after I had lost interest, came back down to earth and has now written in detail about his manic episode. During this time, when you talked to him, he didn’t suggest or theorize about things, he knew things. He could time travel by using the light waves and particle acceleration with the right colors. He could predict how someone would act using signs he received from colors he was more in tune to.  In Scott Bennett’s mind, he WAS god.

Part 5: The Yellow Notebook

Throughout my manic episode I was constantly trying to persuade people around me that I had special abilitites. I spent 30 minutes trying to do magic tricks on my parents. I spent countless hours talking to Tommy trying to get him to believe me of all my theories. A symptom of mania is excessive talking and Tommy and my parents experienced that the most. It was absolutely bizarre. I actually had no control over the amount that I talked. I would try to go from point A to point B in my conversations but I would get off track instantly and just stay off track until they asked me a question and then I would do it again.

Most people gave me blank stares when I would speak my theories to them. Some names of theories of mine from my yellow book were; Rainbow Theory, Bubble Theory, Circular Theory, and Rubix Theory. Rubix Theory was the thought that I could read the color combinations on the cube to figure out how to move the squares. I tried it a couple times but I never tried it for more than an hour at a time.

This is the first page of my yellow book, this displays how my thoughts were working at the time.

What made me think this…I wrote this because I wanted to find the answer to a question that I had. I am thrilled to find that after writing the question as the title. I had solved a problem. Or should I saw “I had solved the problem” This is more accurate because I had answered the question. And then I had to stop and figure this next thing out…on a separate sheet of paper. I’m back haha, I realized that....stopping is relief. Stop making yourself so sad. We are being so mean to ourselves that we make TV shows that set up Online Predators. It’s sad. Sadness is the sight before happiness. If you start to become sad you feel sad mentally and physically, revealing what makes you sad is the circles of life I just NOW realized. Dictate your mindset to the right pace by seeing the “good” of everything. Setting your mind set to bipolar mode, but feeling unipolar is the goal here because physical actions are the reactions of thinking happy thoughts. If you’re sad… then you can logically think happy. Therefore feel happy. Think of your happiest times and you’ll control your fate. I’m sure you can think of a good one. Go do that again! Why not? I didn’t know what my first thought was but now I do. I wanted to never be suicidal ever. And I just logically proved why not to. I can get this to just a few words. Don’t kill yourself. Life is the evolution. Don’t end evolution. I’m writing a book to myself. No one else will read this. Imagine a time. I am having visions. I can create the future. I was born with creativity. I will see the future. I already know the future? I think in 3 Dimensions. At some point I need to type a double circle book. I understand the meaning of color.

This next part is an excerpt on my early manic writings of my argument that 1=0, my main theory at the time of being manic. This was my foundation argument for existence. I wanted to prove that 1=0 to prove that the concept of infinity cannot be mathematically grasped. This was taken from my hand written paper I called the Human Manifesto.

The Human Manifesto

I will prove to you that you can find the solution to everything occurs by thinking in circles all the way down to the mathematical representation of 1=0.

“.” is a circle. “O” is a circle. A filled in O is a dot. A dot is an open circle because you can believe that there could be an opening within a point that the human eye cannot see. Understanding that a full circle could actually be open is the shape of faith. Mathematically, faith is expressed as 1=0. Your religion is where you set your limit on faith. Christianity is limited faith. It equals “one”; unlimited faith is when you set your faith to zero. Atheism is “zero”. It is unlimited. If a person’s faith is set at one then they are given a value of one. If you see how 1=0 in circles then every number other than “zero” is a subcategory, a limit. That makes Christianity, Islam, and Judaism all are subcategories of Atheism. Being atheist is to believe that 1=0 because they have faith in the God of atheism, “non-absolute zero.” This is circular theory applied to faith, but, there are circles inside of everything. A person asks questions like “why?” because they want a “one solution”. To Christians, Christianity = 1. That is their answer. Atheists are the ones who always asking a question. The differences between the physical and mental levels are the war going on in every human’s mind. We try to relate the 2. It is how we see things. Separate from other animals, humans are capable of waging war and signing peace treaties. So, the question of the physical level is the “What?” and the mental level question is “But what if?” It is a circle. A human’s mentality is a growing circle. Nirvana is when a human grows their circle enough to attain peace while alive. This is mental-aging. Aging of the human mind is growth within humanity. This growth leads to maturity and your mental-age is measurement of your own maturity. Being ignorant is being unaware of the “zero” in maturity. This is being “immaturely ignorant.” Not wanting to be ignorant is having faith in 1=0. This is the mathematical representation of Faith. To have faith is the result of mental-aging.

Language is the basis of human interaction. Other animals only have their instincts. Animals believe in the “zero” but believe that 1 ?0, just like a Christian, a limit is of mental-age is reached. If we know that language is the separation then we know the circle of the origin of humanity’s dominance. The circle of the physical/metal can be applied to language. We can then again apply the circular theory again after finding the values of 1=0. This is what opposites are. “1” and “0” equal each other. Because opposites as the circle in language. We just need to find how to “=” (solve) the opposites. We must find faith to believe in 1=0 because we have faith that everything can be expressed as “2x” when simplified. This is the meaning of “forever” in numbers. The symbol of ? is 2 circles for infinity. You can always fuse the 2 circles of anything into 1 and if 1=0 then 2x is infinity because 2(0) is infinity, which is forever. If 2(0)=0 and 0=1 then 2=0 and 3=0 and 4=0 and 5 and so on. 1=0 is the simplified version of the math equation. “1=0” is what faith is. It is the answer to humanity. It is the human equation. The all of the human is a circle. Humans have invented language, the tool of humanity. There are many. Only 2 are needed in order for a human to function successfully, a “physical” language and a “mental” language. Your thinking language then is your “mental” and Math is the physical. You are born with the instinct of math, but, because humans have reached a point of that the bilingual-mentality, then we have found our “1” and “0” existing in humanity. I only need one language to think in and up to this point you now consider this as English. My most advanced learned math can be limited by looking at my hardest math classes taken, but, I have had 2 hardest Math classes because I have seen Math in 2 different languages. Last year as an 11th grade student at Oakton High School in Fairfax County, Virginia, and I took Computer Science and Pre-Calc Honors. I finished with a D+ (73) in Pre-Calc Honors and a C (74) in computer science. My circle may be growing, but right now I am in retrospect of my education in 2 languages and ironically, I am taking the easiest possible Math class there was to choose. I am taking Probability and Statistics as a senior, a very simple class. I have been a C student when it comes to math all throughout my education. The same can be said for my English and Spanish. History I can get an A in. I had too look back, I had to look at the “0” and then the “1” in my life and once I found the “=” in “1=0” then I discovered the very 1st instinct of any currently living thing. Living things use language. You must be asking "How can 1=0 if Death and Life exists? That is our first “mental” instinct and our “physical” question. Math is the very beginning.

Think of math as the beginning and then apply circle theory to apply the tense of “ing” to math. Language is a subcategory of math. Everything falls under math. All things can be derived ALL ways. A circle, 360*, is going all ways, which is the view of faith. If you think in 360 then you can find faith in 1=0. The setbacks of humanity, all faults, in one group, are what stop us from finding that 1=0. If you find the language of life then you must believe in circular theory because remember how “2x” is infinity and if you take 2 points on an edge of ac circle, you can create infinity by making connections in all ways, which starts by finding 2 points of something. The “x” in “2x” represents one point because once a circle is made, the 2 points disappear. It is now a circle. Infinity is circular and a circle is infinity. This application of 1=0, in English, is saying that the answer to everything is vice-versa circular motion, or, unipolar motion. We can easily find our “1” values and “0” values mathematically everything (including words) is an opposite. Learning from mistakes is the equation “1=0” and “=” is the learning from mistakes part. Everything is a circle. You are a circle. Your mind is a circle. You think in circles. The “=” is the going around in circles. Peace is finding smaller circles. War is finding bigger circles.

This is how I found my conclusions. I found one of my values of 1=0. I am alive. Therefore I see death. Seeing life is what I am trying to do. I think in circles. I try to think in circles. I want to try to think in circles. My “want” is my spiral of temptation in finding the “=” in “1=0”. I had a revelation, humans invented temptation. Temptation is the circle of your consciousness. To believe in 1=0 you must understand the concept of infinity. The sky is the limit. This is the slightly blurry way of something simple. Infinity is the limit. One does equal zero. Zero equals one. Evolving is nature’s way of learning the ways of infinity through living. So if you have this faith then you are a circle. Once you become a circle you are all circles. Human brain potential is said to be 10%. Potential is the measurement of a circle. Humans are only at 10%! Think in circles! If we are at 10% then at one time we were at 9% and hopefully will be at 11% and so on. Believing is seeing. If we look for the 100% then we must look for the 0%. Retrospect is language at -100%. Math, language, infinity, and faith. These are the small circles of life. These are the smallest physical and mental circles that a human can see. To accept death is the final decision a human must make to make a circle out of your life. Not accepting death is suicide is reached. I saw the simplest light a human can see. Have no faith is the result of suicide. If you find faith in “zero” then you set a limit if you don’t find faith in “one!” and “one=zero”. During human life, time makes us measure our faith as death. IF we limit by making 1?0 then we are doomed. Circular Theory can be an answer to infinity because infinity equals the opposite of finite, which is 1=0, and then finally, a circle. A human grows maturely by thinking circles.

Trauma is the opposite of Nostalgia. The distinction of Trauma reaches the ultimate limit of a human being when suicide is accomplished. The smaller circles and bigger circles is how the solution of life is drawn. Finding a way around the circle is how we grow. Mentality of thought in values has a possibility of going “+1” and “-1”. So, human mentality is the point of time we are at in the circle of our mental-age. Time is how we find ourselves as a circle. We are constantly shrinking(“-1”) and growing (“+1”) in our stability. Time is a force. The point in time is the “1” value and “zero” represents how we view life. One must use faith inside of logic and the meaning of “vice-versa”, to find the “+?” of time. I have been looking “+?” because that is what I want. But, I had to travel in a circle of revelation to attain the value of “?” by adding “-?” to my equation. “-?” and “+?” together to make ?, which then proves why 1=0. We see infinite as this shape “?” because we see everything as bipolarized. Good or bad. An unbiased mind is my mind. Human mentality is defined as a spectrum of happy and sad, hot and cold, good and bad, etc. I fought a war in my mind to the point I told myself to stop contradicting myself in my head because I became unbiased towards life. I have an unbiased opinion towards humanity because I changed the way I think. I created a new mind set. I now think in circles because at this point I am on the track of String Theory, which is a circle. Polarized experience of a human can be measured by Trauma and Nostalgia. Individuality is reached by measuring yourself in your own way. If a circle exists in everything, then thinking in spirals is when you find the extremes, the inner circles.  Revelations are the roadblocks in mentality that we were able to get over. Revelations are the circles we create. When we make a circle out of 2 opposite emotions, or the human roadblocks, we have our revelations. A revelations is when you want the “+?” in life, but, know that “-?” exists and that together they become just “?”, but more like “0” or even just “.” Every circle filled or not to the human eye is an empty circle. To believe is to have faith. Time is how revelations come about. Time is the “=” of all things. Time is a way to find loop-holes. The unknown of time is a black hole. Memory is the source of data a human uses. Memory is a “sub-circles” of Math which is then a sub-circle of Time. An understanding of Time is measured by patience. “Patience is a virtue, until its silence burns you.” (TV on the Radio) I have repeated that phrase to myself over and over since their album, Dear Science came out. I now realize that I have found many answers in Music. Instead of explaining how I was influenced, I can tell you the results of the influence. These are the results of my life-long obsession with music.

I always thought of music as, “Music will never betray you”. Music is the result of super evolution. It is easy to measure evolution these days by seeing technological and environmental adaptations. Technology is the physical evolution in life. How you adapt to the ongoing environmental adaptations is how you measure mental evolution. We are at a point where we can ask your burning question for me. I will apply the “What?”/”but what if” theory to your mind. I will reveal your unknown temptation that is subtly killing you. I will now show you by doing it to myself.

Your first question after you see the visual of “0=1” when you say there are no such things as exact answers. This question proves that you have faith in “1?0” and your mind applies it into nature.  Because to get an exact answer, you have to look at the non-exact answers. Think of your mind as data. Think like a computer. Think binary code. “1 and 0”. After you believe that 1=0 you can find the opposite solution to its opposite solution. Remember that 2x=Time. Time results in evolution. Evolution is the 2. We must use time as our tool of dominance. The simpler circle you can get to the more faith you’ll find and the bigger circles represent evolution. If you don’t believe that this filled circle could have an empty center visually:  . then remember how Trauma and Nostalgia work and apply it to your memory of life. This is the “human circle of data”. Our memories are not perfect. That said we are half way to believing in “1=0”. I am able to convince you by translating my circular thoughts during human existence onto paper. You should already see that I am going in circles. Let’s say a 100% contradiction can only reach 100% by total control by some purple alien because nothing is perfect, right? If this “100% Contradiction” were applied to humans. How do you convince someone? I have demonstrated it to you now as words on paper. In English I argue with/convince/fail to convince people frequently. I am arguing all the time. Who isn’t? An argument is a circle. “100% Contradiction” equals “-100% Persuasion”. Again, we see “0=1”. The “-“ sign represents Doubt. Doubt is the inability to overcome fear due to negative thinking. We see negativity as amoral. I see it as a virtue. It is simply a smaller circle of patience.  Only in our thinking language does the so-called “negative thinking” hurt us. We are so advanced in language that we are sophisticated enough to kill ourselves, due to the existence of negativity in our mind. But we can’t attribute human emotion yet to negativity until we accept and embrace negativity and see the circle made between the 2 points of “positive” and “negativity”. The human race’s impending doom is because we think “negatively” We must change our mindset, our fate, to believing that “1=0” so that opposites no longer affect us. In darkness, one must find a light to find themselves. The light is within the darkness AND vice-versa! A loop hole within the opposites of Darkness and Light is the logical and literal circle in life. I wrote this entire theory 5 hours after writing the following sentence in the middle of math class, “What made me think this…” Chapter 2 shows the solving spiral I have started to fall through and how I came to these conclusions. They told me I was going through a manic episode, I know it seemed like, but, I wasn’t. What I went through was a mathematical break through. A literal break through..

I also have a bag that says Music=Life on it where I keep all of my loose paper manic writings. These days I reach in, pull something out, and spook myself out. The creepiest one I have found is a post it paper that says…

I

KILLED

MYSELF

IM
IN HEAVEN

This is Heaven…

I believed that in my dream, when I wished to die, I had figured that I somehow killed myself in the conscious world because in my dream I had done it in the subconscious world.  My world felt so euphoric and energized that everything seemed unreal to me. So, my logic came to conclude that I was in heaven. Interestingly enough, I have actually experienced what it is mentally like to be sent to the devil. I was driving around with some kids that I had just met and some of my friends and the guy driving looked like me and this was on a leap year day and for some reason I thought he was me a year prior. He was even acting like I had been a year earlier. He was even driving the same type of car as mine. I started to freak out and everyone started to half seriously believe everything I said which unfortunately led to me asking them, am I dead? Jokingly they said “Yes, Scott, you are dead and we are bringing you to the devil.” They didn’t realize I was manic at the time so I believed exactly what he said. It was nighttime and I was scared out of my mind and started to confess everything I had done wrong and my last wishes and other things of that nature. That day I had been excited to discover I was in Heaven but when they told me I was going to Hell I thought to myself… “Oh, no I had it all wrong, this is purgatory.”

The following is from a post-it.

When eyes roll back they see Dark. Dark=Subconcious, controlling Dark is slipping into the subconscious. Senses are limits. An unlimited sense is a color. A rainbow is a scale of color. If Life is white and Death is black, then you now agree that I derived color communication from 1=0. There is no limit on color. Not on this dot.

Here is a theory of mine that I found on my computer. It was the primary theory throughout my episode. I actually typed this up while I was manic. This one personally disturbs me because I am actually theorizing about a manic symptom I was experiencing.

Spiral Theory

You will be traveling the route of a Question mark, in Math’s concept of 3-Dimensional perception, literally and mathematically by adding the less complicated language of English to the more complicated language of Math. Meaning is conveyed in language. Meaning is when a human accepts 100% faith in an idea. We think in English and Math. Math is just a simpler version. To take English and Math, you must understand that English is a sub-circle of Math. And for me to convince you 100% of how to answer a question, you won’t see the literal meaning by the symbol that is a Question mark.

You see, I just accomplished my goal of completing the circle of my concept. I started and finished by conveying “The meaning behind Question mark.” It appears I successfully completed a circle, but what I am actually doing is spiraling. My thinking is spiral thinking. This is how solutions are come up with. Learning from mistakes is simply turning your back on fear and spiraling forwards the center of a question. A center of a question is the answer of a question. To you making a complete circle FEELS in your mental state as though you completed a circle. You have faith right now 100% that I traveled successful in a circle. That is what answers a question is. The answer to a question is a circle. A question never ends, therefore it is infinite…right?

The 3 dots I just represented is an ellipsis which is time conveyed in written symbols. To us 3 dots is felt as a pause. 3 moments in time is what a pause is. If time is represented by a dot and time is infinite. Then those 3 dots should be felt as 3 infinite circles. If you put the 3 circles together you get one empty circle. Your mentality’s measurement of emptiness is your physical reaction to the limit of a human eye. The human eye, as a sphere, represents vision. Vision then would be considered to be everything that you see on the outside of your eye. Your pupil is literally seeing the opposite of knowledge as a physical form. You process information incorrectly because of the physical reaction to the mental reaction of Fear. Fear = the unknown. The opposite of Fear is Hope. Fear results in mental sadness, which the physical then computes and chemically reacts. Hope is the result of mental happiness, which then the physical computes and chemically reacts. Hope is happiness. Finding joy is completing a circle of happiness. Going back to the “the physical reaction of the perception of emptiness is one’s chemical reaction to the limit of a human eye.” Zoloft is an anti-depressant that forces your body to chemically feel happy. Being guided by a medicine in order to prevent suicide is a chemical causing you to spiral in the opposite direction of death. This is spiraling outward, spinning out of control. Spinning OUT of control is depression, inability of controlling your mental state. Spinning out is literally a growing ball shape “out” is seen as a direction of a spiral. We physically can grow by going this direction. If we spin out of control we feel anxious and depressed which then makes us so overwhelmed that we physically feel terrible. This can lead to suicide. Suicide is the opposite of life. Life is a measurement of something in time. A limit on something. Death is a limit on Life therefore a measurement of something in time. In order to feel time physically, you have to wait. Your physical self is waiting for your body to process information of the unknown that you are looking at in order to then react by growth. This act of evolution is a chemical reaction to a mental perception. Humans are the only animal that have a math and have a perception of death. They can see a language and a limit. By using language we can change our perception of infinity. Do you remember seeing those 3 dots I drew? Your subconscious processed the act of “an ellipsis is 3 dots which represents a time-line, therefore, after 3 dots. 3 moments are made, which is a measurement in time, therefore I command my physical body to feel a value of time.” The end of time is Death, as seen by human life. We are able to see death and because of math we think in opposites. We think in a bipolar 2-Dimensional empty circle. That is how math is solved. We need to think in circles to solve a question, obviously. What if we were to think in spirals? What if we redefined the concept of infinity to disprove math, while a “number” is a placeholder for an infinite value. But, because we think in a circle, we limit our concept of infinity to that of a placeholder.  A placeholder is a limit. The opposite of infinity is limit. Any limit can be mathematically defined as 2x, when x is time. 5 years. 10 days. 2 seconds. 1 moment. If, Infinity is symbolically represented with ? [Definition given by Wikipedia] a figure eight, and time you now know as 2x. Then x is infinity. Time is infinite therefore must be assumed to be infinite correctly. The symbol of a figure eight represents a route, an infinite route. Because we write it out as a figure eight, our concept of time is a circle. A route of a circle is infinite. This is what String Theory is. String theory is saying that the path of infinity can be represented by a circle. String theory is saying that ? travels on the same route as a circle. A circle however is the shape of “O” not a ?. This is because String Theory is currently the smallest concept of time. Going from “?” to an “o” is simplification. This is Math being displayed through English, a sub-circle of Language. Today, the most brilliant mathematicians understand the concept of infinity as an empty ho

About the Author

Scott Andrew Bennett grew up in Fairfax County, Virginia. Known to have high scores in schools and a lot of government workers in the families, Virignia is where Scott has lived his whole life. He was diagnosed bipolar in 2009 and has struggled with life since, but his writing and music allows him to express himself. To visit his music site go to : http://www.myspace.com/songsofscone

how do i secretly see a therapist?

i think i have social anxiety disorder; i get nervous easily and i over analyse situations of the simplest matter. i have looked at it on google and my symptoms are very similar to what wikipedia says.
i am 16 male and live with my mum. how can i see a therapist and not tell her or let her find out?
also do i have to pay to to see one, or can my doctor give me a pass to see a NHS therapist?

I know exactly what your going through and have asked the same questions! Yes you can!

I couldn't bare the thought of my mam knowing I was seeing a therapist about a suspected mental issue, so I know what you mean.

Your only 16, so it will be free, just go to your GP and tell him/her that you want to see a therapist, also specify that you don't want your mam to know, it's (as far as know) illegal for them to do otherwise, it's called doctor-patient confidentiality.

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